The Weasley Twins' Joke: The Musical
by The Parody King
Summary: Based on the hated short-story. Bill and his miss-spelled wife-to-be are getting ready for their wedding. But will Fred and George's biggest prank ruin everything? How far will it go? How many songs will make it dated? HBP Spoilors. Warning: May lower IQs
1. Act 1, Scene 1

**Studio's Notes: Without further ado, we present you the illegally downloaded transcripts of the infamous broadway play**; **'Wealsey Twin's Joke the Musical'.**

**Copyrights: **This fic takes aspects from both the original theatrical cut of 'The Weasley Twins's Joke, and the unrated director's cut on DVD, titled 'The Weasley Twins's Joke: Extended Edition". Both are still in stores, everywhere. Though the original, two-disc edition will soon be retired into the vault.

**ACT ONE:**

SCENE ONE:

Bill Weasley walks in, in the morning, at La Borrow.

BILL:

[Singing

Oh, I saw a werewolf in my own bathroom this mornin'. Looking at me with a disgustingly scared face. Standing on the tiled floor that looked like flowers. And there was a monstrous glint in his eye, or at least a trace. I lurched, and scurched, and I got ready to leave. And then I realized that the werewolf was me. A-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Werewolves of Hogwarts! A-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Werewolves of Hogwarts.

Fleer (Yes, the makers still didn't care to spell her name correctly) walks in to join her husband to be.

FLEER (Y.M.S.D.C.S.N.C. (Yes, the makers still didn't care to spell her name correctly)):

[Singing

I saw a werewolf sleepin' in a bed, last night. And I plan for that same werewolf to be in my bed tomorrow night. The werewolf looked naturally twisted. But that's just my cup of tea. Now I must admit, I'm pretty good looking. So just seein' a werewolf makes us clash, magnificently. But I find werewolves unbelievably sexy. And then that werewolf got down on all fours. Lookin' like he wanted to chew the out of me. He then got real close, and lifted one clawed foot, menacingly. And then the werewolf asked to merry me.

BILL:

[Singing

A-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Werewolves of Hogwarts! A-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Werewolves of Hogwarts!

FLEER/BILL[Singing A-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Werewolves of Hogwarts! A-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Werewolves of Hogwarts.

**Studio's Notes: Though this introduction to the musical may seem lame, terrible, and utterly pointless, you may be surprised to know that is IS 'lame', terrible, and utterly pointless. But don't leave the theater, the next scene involves an amazing flight on broomsticks and wires!**


	2. Act 1, Scene 2

SCENE TWO:

Two men in cloaks appear, in Knockturn Alley, at night.

LUCIUS:

[Half-singing

We must meet with our master. He is most anxious that we meet with him. Are you not afraid to meet with him, Seeveeruus?

SNAPE:

[Half-singing, and mounting a broom

I, am his most trusted servant. And Severus Snape does not know fear. Nor does he hesitate to meet his master. Though we must watch our backs, for the Ministry is always trying to catch... Death Eaters.

LUCIUS:

Death Eateeers.

SNAPE:

Death Eaaaaateeeeeeers...

The music picks up, as a city background appears, as they both fly off on brooms on strings.

SNAPE & LUCIUS:

[Singing

They see us rollin'. They hatin'. Patrollin', they trying to catch us flyin' dirty! Trying to catch us flyin' dirty! Trying to catch us flyin' dirty! Trying-to-catch-us-flyin'-dirty!

SNAPE:

[Rapping

They fly on patrol. They are true -holes. They be lookin' for pure-bloods. They not checkin' out md-bloods. They want ta' stop Voldie. I just say, 'You guys are oldies!' They claim we're in the way, I don't be gettin' out of the way. At least not to-day, that's all I can Say cause I'm gonna wait till' May or maybe not even then cause' I don't Say 'oKay' so I may be here ta' stay'.

They both fly into the secret, underground layer of Voldemort.

VOLDEMORT:

[Singing

All my allies. They're always askin' "Mi' lord, we want to go the extra miiile". It's not always my inteeention. To kill so many mud-bloods and blood-traitors. The blood and gore is so over-raaated. But I have plenty more in store. Evil, and snakes, and death eater masks galore. They always sayin' to me. Gumme', gimme more, more! Gimme, gimme more! Gimme more! Gimme gimme more!

He is suddenly interrupted by his followers. Snape and Lucius both bow to him.

VOLDEMORT:

[Speaking

I am sick of the Ministry. You with them, are you not, Lucius? Well...

[Singing

they gonna clean up your looks. They gonna say mudbloods are not crooks. Just to make themselfs look good. But what I am going to do to them will make them pay for the things that they did, and could. Scrimjore said, "Death Eaters scare the livin' out of me. Think you can kill people as long as somewhat happily? So drop your wand, I'll strike a way-cool move worthy of James Bond, maybe we'll leave you alone when your position is that of me."

He then beacons to Wormtail to play the pipe-organ.

VOLDEMORT:

I am the daaark lord, I am the death eater king. I am the dark arts rockstar, so break it down while I sing. The Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaselmouth of the daaaaaark wizards, has a plan.

As Wormtail plays the pipe as both death eaters nervously dance, though not as enthusiastically as Voldemort.

VOLDEMORT:

Kill once again, for me. My most faithful one. Another important one, to shoot with your wand. It is to kill the Prime Minister. Named Rufus Scrimjore. He is a badass death eater killer. That's why all of us must come. I am unstoppable. I can not be killed. Because of a secret I hold, which I will not tell even you. So the dark lord has spoken, now you must find. A way to kill him, or at least a way for me to be able to find. We must know where he is, tomoooooooorrrow. For, then, I wish to rule the Miiiiiiiiiiiinistry. So now, you must gooooooooooo."

Both of them bow, and leave. Voldemort beacons for Wormtail to leave. He then turns to his snake, Narcissa.

VOLDEMORT:

Who has to know? That yooooou, are a horcraxxxeyo. I'll keep you, my dirty little secret! For I've got so many dirty little secrets. My dirty little secret. Dirty little secret. My dirty little secret. Who has to know?


	3. Act 1, Scene 3

SCENE THREE:

Harry's walking on the stairs. Not knowing what he's really singing about, but thinks he should, anyway.

HARRY:

[Singing

I is it is cool is not so he is me. And we are all together. See how they run, like death eaters from Dumbledore. See how they fly, like Voldemort in the sky.

Harry begins walking down the stairs slowly, looking around for a way to find an explanation for the lyrics to his song.

HARRY:

[Singing

Swimming in pumpkin juice. Cause you can't fight fire with fire whiskey. Waiting for the Hogwarts train. While the horcraxes feel some pain. Stupid Merlin and the zombies. Witch, you've been a naughty owl. May you have many great songs to tell.

Harry is down the stairs now, looking out a window pain. With his normal, arrogant, self.

HARRY:

[Singing

I am the house elf. They are the house elf. I am the hippogriff! Goo-goo-avata-kacho!

Harry walks to the door for breakfast, everyone else apparently unable to hear his singing.

HARRY:

[Singing

Aurors dancin' to 'Potion of Love'. High School pixies reading 'A History of Magic'. Didn't they tell you Dumbledore was gay? Moaning Mertal no longer crying. Cause somebody told her the nuffler's are rising. See how they sing like Salazar Slytherin. See how they fly, on brooms in the sky. I'm cryin'. I am the house elf. They are the house elf. I am the hippogriff! Goo-goo-ga-avata-kadvra-kachoo-ka-go-go-ga-go-go-ga ga go go ga go go ga goo kac, kach, kachoooooo! Oh, yeah!

A silent part of the musical begins, with various characters preparing for the wedding, as music plays.


	4. Act 1 Scene 4

SCENE FOUR:

The scene changes to Fred and George talking in they're room, as Harry listens in at the door which is open a notch. Because people always leave the door open a crack when they have something secret to discuss.

Fred:

[Singing

I saw a veela the other day. She was with another man. But that doesn't stop me, cause I've got a plan.

George:

[Speaking

What plan have we, Fred?

Fred:

[Speaking, too

To foul the wedding? Well, first of all, I would like to say 'why' we should foul the wedding. Besides the fact we want Fleer; yes, we're still gonna misspell her name, for us. Because I feel we should give our reasons and 'morals'.

George:

[Speaking, and grinning

Like we'd know anything about them.

Fred:

[Singing

Well, either way, here they are. She's way too beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful, that girl. That's why it will never work with them. Since Bill's sorta a werewolve, she have him homicidal, homicidal, homicidal, when she cheats on hiiiiiiiiim wiiiiiiiiith uuuuus.

George:

[Now singing, too

Also, first del be fussin', den del be fightin', den Bill will be eatin' her with his pasta. And it'll kinda be too late ta' make it better.

Fred:

[Singing

Excellent. Besides, if she didn't cheat on Bill with us, what else is she gonna do with all that junk?

George:

All that junk? Inside her trunk?

Fred:

She's gonna get us drunk? What else?

George:

Get us drunk with all that junk?

Fred:

You know, her veela, veela, veela stuff. Her lovely veela lumps. On the back and on the front.

George:

I can't believe, I cannot believe. That we're singing this song in the equivalent of a PG-13.

[Speaking

Now, what's the plan?

Fred:

[Still in a daze, and singing a song he sung earlier

She's beautiful! She's beautiful! She's beautiful, it's true! I saw her face. This morning, in front of a vase. But I don't know what to do about that girl. Cause I'll never be with her.

George:

[Speaking

Snap out of it, Mate. Isn't that what we're here for?

Fred:

[Speaking

Oh... right, the plan.

[Singing and picking up the beat, but also revealing he doesn't really have a plan

The wedding between them, eh? I have no mudbloodin' idea what kind of a wedding it'll be. If you've got a plan, why don't U crack that weddin'?

George:

[Singing

Why don't U crack that weddin'?

Fred: U!

George: U crack that weddin', then Voldemort! U!

Fred: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! U!

George:

[Speaking

Beepin' sun' of' a' mud'blood', I' have' no' effin' idea'!

Fred:

[Now speaking, too

Hmmmmmmmmmm... I'm broke when it comes to ideas, mate.

George:

[Grinning

We ain't broke, mate! We had enough money to sponsor a bachelor party for

the wedding. Complete with real, live 100 Veela dancers.

Fred:

Speaking of which, it's time for us to go there.


	5. Act 1, Scene 5

SCENE FIVE:

Ginny:

[Speaking

That cow, Fleer! Yes, they still misspell her name! She's such a-a-a...

[Sighs

I don't know what words to describe my anger.

Hermione:

[Speaking

You just need to remember your favorite profanities.

Ginny:

My favorite profanities?

Hermione:

You know; like , and .

[Singing

ing House Elves, and good pumpkin juice. Mudboods, and hippogriff , and avata kadavra. ing er , and all kinds of rude things. These are a few of my favorite profanities.

Ginny:

[Singing

y inferrie, and mudbloods, ing ers, and witch ers. Witch itches, all dudes y. and all those offensive things. These are a few of my favorite profanities.

Hermione:

So whenever I'm angry at Fleer or Rita Skeeter, I just call them a , or give them a rude hand-gesture. And then I don't feel...

Hermione/Ginny:

Soooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaad!


	6. Act 2, Scene 1

**ACT TWO:**

SCENE ONE:

A night club scene appears, complete with a disco ball. With us seeing Dobby first; dressed in several 'rad' socks, and a gold chain over a dirty pillow case for cloths.

Dobby:

[Speaking

What you baby doin'? Around here, everybody say, miss, 'hey, baby'! Bay, bay, bay, bay!

The lights go bright, with loud music, as a huge crowd appears.

Fred:

[Singing

You know what wizards say, at the bachelor party?

All:

[Singing

Hey, baby!

George:

[Singing

Pure-bloods, death eaters, and the squib?

All:

Hey, baby!

Fred:

[Like many music lyrics, doesn't have a clue what it means

Stirring with a stack of fire'whiskey?

All:

Hey, baby!

George:

Layin' in a lap o' a half-giant?

All:

Hey, baby!

Fred and George:

We're in the club!

George:

[Rapping

You wanna know what we say, when the veela get drunk? Well, hey baby, that's what we're here for! Turn your opera glasses to zoom-in! You wanna know what we say, when the bride shows up uninvited? Well, hey baby, that was my plan! Zoom in your glasses, put your glasses on, use contacts, whatever your using, turn them to zoom in. Turn on your hearin' aid, put on a hearin' aid, put your sunglasses on, shoot some shots o' fire whiskey, do somethin' that rhymes with me. I'm runnin' out of stuff ta' say, I'm really not good at this rappin' thingie-yay. Oranges and apples, apples and oranges, I'm really running out of things to say, it's just a bunch of...

[Speaking

I'm stuck.

Dobby:

[Speaking; snapping his fingers, and wearing a pair of sunglasses

Let the master house elf help ya out, punk.

Everyone on the dance floor gives Dobby full attention. Some women, even one Veela, faint at the sight of Dobby's dirty dance moves, complete with his black tea cosy 'cap' worn backwards.

Dobby:

[Singing, rapping

Hey, baby, you probably want ta' know where ta' find Dobby! Dobby will be lurking down in the back of the dance floor, that's where Dobby be! Dobby ain't trippin' when he's apparatin', he's a jumpin' when he's dissaparatin, and Dobby's wackin' when he's crackin, and tappin' when he's snappin', and crashin' when he's snappin'! When Dobby see a bad witch, Dobby shout out 'Hey, what rhymes with witch!'. Dobby don't care about her boyfriend, cause Dobby don't care what he say. Nor does Dobby care what pure-blood say, nor master say, nor what other' house elves say. Dobby's in the potion room, brewin' a potion for the potions master.

All:

Hey, baby! Hey, baby! Hey, baby!


	7. Act 2, Scene 2

SCENE TWO:

The party's a bit quieter, as Harry and Ron get drinks.

Harry:

[Speaking

I don't know Ron, whenever I think of Bill's wedding, my scar burns like I've just drunken a whole bottle of fire whiskey.

Ron:

[Speaking and smirking

Really?

[Singing

Here comes the bride! Here comes the bride!

Harry:

[Speaking, and half-shouting

Stop Ron, this is serious! AH! You see, now my scars burning, again!

Ron:

That's because you _did_ just drink a whole bottle of fire whiskey. Come on, Harry! There's no way you-know-who could learn of the wedding.

Harry:

I don't know, Ron, I just don't know.

Ron:

Well, I'll see you later, Harry. I just noticed Hermione on the dance floor, and she hasn't found a partner yet!

Ron walks off, as the stage leaves Harry, but Ron is stopped by another women on the dance floor. Both Fleer and Ron are in the back of the dance floor, surrounded by only extras.

Fleer:

[Singing

I know you like me, I know you do. That's why whenever I'm with ya', Hermione's all over you. Let's cut to the course! Don't you wish your witch-friend was a Veela, like me? Don't you wish your witch-friend was a tri-wizard champion, like me? Dont'ya? Dont'ya?

Ron:

[Speaking; Squeaking

Uh... I didn't know... why did you hook up with Billy, then?

Fleer eyes Bill's rather werewolf like dancing (Such as dancing on all flours to try to impress women around him), before turning back to Ron.

Fleer:

[Singing, shrugging

Maybe next life-time. If you'd be willing to dare. But then again, Bill would no longer demand steaks made rare. But don't get me wrong. Even if you were a giant, I'd still be crazy about your flame-red haaaaaair! One more time! Don't you wish your witch-friend was a true witch, like me? Don't you wish your witch-friend was a true-? Like me? Dont'ya? Dont'ya? Well, dontya', Ronnie?

Fleer then claps her hand to her head, and returns to her french accent.

Fleer:

Zis' english drink shood be made illegal.

Ron:

[Laughing dumbly

It is.


	8. Act 2, Scene 3

SCENE THREE:

After the last pointless scene, the next scene opens pointlessly, but then follows with the part that will decide if this broadway production is a comedy or a tragedy.

Hermione:

[Singing; Out of Character

My father asked me, if I was actually going to go back to that school, which smells like a diiitch. But it's the witches who smell like ditches. For witches, they wanna be ithces. Witches just wanna be ... wanna be itches! I woke up, after a huge hangover. And my headache asked me, when my partying would be over. But those who get hangovers don't party, because their too drunk, and that didn't even rhyme! But witches, they wanna be itches. Witches just wanna be itches! That's all they really waaaaaaaaaant! That's all we really waaaaaaaaaaant! Some wizards take, an itchy witch, and hide her away, so she won't get hitched. But it's the itchy ones who don't get hitched, and witches, they wanna be itches. Oh, witches just wanna be itches!

We then focus on Fred and George, who have run into an old family member.

Percy:

[Speaking

Didn't think I'd come, did you?

Fred & George:

[Slightly annoyed; Speaking

No... we didn't.

Percy:

So Bill got his wolfish hands on a Veela type women. Never thought he'd get so lucky.

George:

[Speaking

Yeah... neither did we.

Percy:

I can tell when my brothers are up to something, what is it your planning, you two?

Fred:

We're actually broke when it comes to ideas, mate.

Percy:

Well, it so happens,

[Lowers voice

that I have one.

Fred:

Then spill it, if you've actually-

George:

Got one.

Percy:

Well...

The music picks up as Percy begins singing.

Percy:

[Singing

G. L. A. M. O. R. OUS. First class. Traveling on a top secret broomstick. Living the life of political tricks. Their all after the glamorous. The glamorous in power. Why, the glamorous. My daddy told me so. He let his sonny know.

[Imitating Mr. Weasley/Lying

If you ain't got no power, take your pathetic to the death eaters!

Fred:

Who's all after? And how does this help us?


	9. Act 2, Scene 4

SCENE FOUR:

We begin, again, pointlessly. With Harry staring at Ginny.

Harry:

[Singing

Ohhh, she makes my firebolt fly strait vertically. Just by her flame red hair. She makes me think about the Prefects Bathroom late at night... just by her being uninteresting next to the major characters. Ooo-ooooo-oooh, girl, I wish your mine. Especially wheeeeeeeeen I secretly stare at you from behiiii-iind. You always knew it, even before puberty. But it was onlay last year when I realized that you're the one for me-eeee... my sexy love! Oooo-oooo-ooh, how I wish I hadn't dumped you. Tooo-oooo-ooo simply save you from you-know-who-ooooooh! She makes all my potions brew into potions of love. Just by her switching the recipes. She makes me want to glue us together with magical super glue, just by her wearing green instead of blue.

The scene changes to Percy getting ready to sing an Elvis song.

George:

[Speaking

How are we supposed to trust you?

Percy:

[Singing

We're caught in a dragon's cave. I can't leave and listen to 'T-Pain'. Because I'm not bad-asterisk, brother'.

Fred:

[Speaking

What does this have to do with anything and who's-

George:

'T-Pain'? Is that even-

Fred:

What their called?

Percy:

We can't go on together... with suspicious minds!

[Also singing the backup in a much higher pitch

Suspicious minds! And we can't foil a wedding... of suspicious miiiiiiiinds! And here we're going, with all that s—. Asking if the Miiiiiiiiiiinistry is in on iiit.

George:

We didn't-

Fred:

Mention-

George:

-

Percy:

You can't see the tears I feel I'm cryin'!

George:

Get on-

Fred:

With it!

Percy:

There's an old friend I know. You-know-who wants him to go. Do I still see suspicion in your eyes?

Fred:

We still-

George:

Aren't catching on.

The music picks up, and the lights go up; changing song, genre, and time-line completely.

Percy:

[Singing

When the golblins think you ain't cool. Look down at them like it's hard. Look down at them like it's hard. When the vampires try ta' get at you. Apparate like it's hard. Apparate like it's hard. When the house elves are sent to kill you. Avada kadavra them like it's hard. Avada kadavra them like it's hard.

[Percy then begins clicking his tongue... over and over again

Fred:

Your not-

George:

Cutting to the chase.


End file.
